"Diamonds are Forever" Live Blog!

Starts in one hour!! At least this time this film is crazy bad and just bad bad. We’ll see how it goes.

:45 I like how bond is a one man wrecking crew only in japan

1:31 wow Sean Connery really looks old here

1:47 and hardcore

2:51 this is now on the list of one of the worst ways to die. death by mud

3:53 “of course darling” why did he raise his hands that way?

4:52 regardless of the rest of the film this is one of the best bond theme songs. Shirly Basse of course

6:01 and honestly this seems like one of the better opening sequences too.

7:28 more tits in a pg rated film how did they do it?

7:54 bond and m look like they should be playing bridge together at a retirement home

8:58 i have never liked smart ass bond.

10:00 worst job ever. diamond dentist. digging into miner’s mouths for rocks

10:32 oh right. THESE guys.

11:31 you’re in the middle of the desert in the black of night. what do you think your really going to see

12:49 and then the frolic to munchkin land and murder everyone.

14:02 so she teaches poor children in third world countrys but has no problem stealing diamonds with sociopaths. whatever floats your boat

15:17 MONEYPENNY! is she actually going to do something?

15:40 guess not. fuck. i want moneypenny super spy. can i have that please.

16:13 i don’t believe this tour guide at all. i think she’s making it up.

16:38 “don’t mind the old lady dead body, it happens all the time in amersterdam. they start smoking, then get some hookers and in forty eight hours their face down in the canal.”

18:33 and when he means collars and cuffs he means hair and pub’s

19:30 i will say her body is fucking amazing.

20:27 so why is she changing hair all the time. what does she gain from it?

21:16 i think that’s important info that bond should know. why was it Q ended up telling him. what kind of operation is m running down there

22:14 “Who is your floor?” Sean connery is ACTING!

23:20 geriatric fighting is never exciting. especially in a slow moving elavator

24:00 he wants to “crowbar” him a question. nope that didn’t work.

24:58 i love bond’s sarcasm here.

26:04 who put the sex phone line worker on the airplane intercom

26:30 and when he means for a lady he means for some one with a vagina of which he doesn’t like

27:10 FELIX!! it’s so happy to see you even though your old and fat. another woefully underused character.

28:15 these guys are mobsters at all.

29:20 if your name is Mortin Slumber you kind of have to open a funeral open don’t you

30:31 i wanted him to dive over the table and start kissing bond after that moment

31:00 this is the most complicated way of smuggling diamonds i have ever seen

31:55 after all the times bond has been knocked out i’m surprised he doesn’t have severe brain damage.

32:32 so why are these guys following these diamonds around and killing everyone. they’ve had the diamonds in their possossion

34:05 the word swanky is not one i usually use but for this bathtub scene i can’t think of a better use

34:55 and when he means acorns he means tits.

35:39 worst stand up ever.

36:24 he’s bald. he should just cut it. it’s really fucking distracting

37:03 and when she means nice person she means you’re broke so i’m not fucking you now

37:37 bonds white tux seems really out of place here.

38:00 can’t….stop….staring….at……her…..tits…..

39:05 bond playing craps seems undignified.

39:30 and when she means drink she actually means gagging on his cock

40:35 even if there was a pool she would have still died. just sayin

42:08 ugh. gag. fat old sean connery naked.

44:17 serious bond is serious

44:35 i always felt felix should be the bond for the cia. here he’s just a bureuacrat

46:00 she has to be getting dizzy

47:05 this is a really complicated way to hide and pick up some diamonds.

48:55 that kid that’s smiling in the back. totally has a boner.

49:37 DAMNIT foiled by children

50:05 felix and bond dropping the ball.

50:45 ok that’s kind of morbid even for the darkest of bond films.

52:23 i’m starting to notice that bond seems to let women drive the car a whole awful lot. curious.

53:05 The Whyte house. because he’s names whyte. and he owns a house. and there’s another house of the same name. we’re funny

58:17 sneaky bond is sneaky

57:10 small talk bond is small talky

58:50 that is the biggest no smoking sign i have ever seen

59:25 bond the point of hiding is so that you can’t be easily seen by guards running around

59:58 i have to say the wall constuction in this place is not up to standerds.

1:00:59 if nasa ever made a buggy that looked like that they should have all their funding revoked.

1:01:50 lol three wheelers the most redneck and dangerous vechile ever made.

1:02:33 what is this movie. lets see how many ridicilous vehicles can we make bond drive

1:03:55 redneck cops. i fucking love them. “sonofabitch”

1:04:25 you see bond never considered there might be more than one cop on duty…in vegas.

1:05:13 really the only thing i can think of right now is the final moments in the film Honey I blew up the kid.

1:06:06 i will say i don’t remember this chase from before and it’s actually pretty good.

1:07:40 did bond just defy all laws of physics. he just phased through a wall.

1:08:16 why is she still banging him. and the bed is made of a fish tank.that seems dangerous and unsanitary

1:09:05 and when he means he can vouch for that he means we’ve had lots of sex.

1:10:08 felix threathens him and bond doesn’t even hesitate and walks out the window. classic.

1:10:50 i would hate being in an elevator where the door man narrates the entire ride.

1:11:57 if i had to do that i would hope the people on the streets had umbrellas because i would shit myself.

1:13:33 a hogleg?

1:14:21 i’m betting bond was really wishing he didn’t take that lsd earlier.

1:15:08 science was never your strong suit? blofeld does nothing but science!

1:16:40 what kind of delayed reaction was that? “Oh right, i’ve been shot in the skull with a climbing weapon.”

1:18:13 up to this point bond hasn’t had to deal with trap elavators and yet he immediately assumes it’s trap door

1:21:00 this is one thing i hate about a lot of bond films is that bond is always going to escape from death traps

1:23:00 bond secretly wants to be a comedian.

1:23:32 are they trying to invoke irony here. bond using blofeld’s technology against him

1:24:45 bond is going to need more than five minutes to get up there. he’s just not willing to except that he’s old.

1:26:20 i’m getting a creepy bondage vibe from these chicks.

1:26:50 i don’t think that is an efficeint mode of travel.

1:27:27 what was she waiting for?

1:28:24 there are two of them and one of him why is he capable of overpowering them. their skilled fighters and yet this old geezer can beat them

1:29:43 i actually do enjoy the willard whyte character. he plays the bumbling ceo really well. it feels like he’s the only one that knows what kind of movie he’s in

1:30:40 awesome Q is beating every slot machine. so cool

1:31:23 who likes short shorts

1:31:40 OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU? KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

1:34:21 oh look a diamond satallite. because the film has diamond in the title. shocker

1:34:55 oh god some one get one this they are approaching north dakota. we can’t let anything happen to north dakota.

1:35:30 shit we just lost north dakota. good thing we have south dakota to fall back on

1:36:35 “oh no i’m on fire!”

1:36:56 holding the world for ransom. that’s it?

1:38:32 that cat really hates his life

1:40:06 worst bond gadget ever

1:40:30 confirmed bond wanted to be a stand up comedian as a kid

1:42:15 at least blofeld figured out bond’s plan. oh and she’s hot

1:42:45 ass crack. female ass crack

1:43:16 OH NO NOT KANSAS!!

1:43;43 why has everyone forgotten that this is james fucking bond. their just letting him walk around and screw with everything instead of shooting him in the fucking head.

1:44:49 why did you give her the tape. she’s fucking stupid.

1:45:15 why is he shooting at the balloon

1:46:06 “it’s a weather balloon” “no that’s a ufo”

1:47:05 and he means activate defenses he means activate defences.

1:48:21 nice job in not being obvious you bitch.

1:49:18 why was no one aware that there was a gaping hole in the room they locked bond in

1:50:15 i hope they don’t show that globe going for the mid west again. i dont’ know if i could take it.

1:51:13 it looks like he stole that boat from darkwing duck?

1:52:55 so bond is going to just keep hitting the boat against a wall gently. great plan bond

1:54:10 so movie over i guess?

1:54:44 you know these henchmen were never really explained. who are they working for. are they freelance. sociopaths?

1:55:47 the cake is lie

1:57:13 flaming food is the worst weapon i have ever seen in a film

1:58:13 “i just blew up a man. can we have sex now?”

"You Only Live Twice" Live Blog!

Alrighty then. With the new year and the announcement of the new Bond film release date I have been reinvigorated to start up the Live Blog marathon. I can’t do it here but you can follow here on the Tumblr account. If you know of a better way to do this I’m all ears. It begins at 2 o’clock eastern.

5 minutes to go.

:37 any bond film that has a scene that actually takes place in space is never a good sign

1:33 he’s out? no shit

2:34 some one shoot a very slow extremely large bullet at them

2:57 this is vaguely sexual. their being swallowed by a gaint space penis

3:54 what kind of conferance room is this?

4:20 of course the uk is the negotiator between russia and the us. because they are the best ever

5:08 that’s racist bond. why do chinese girls taste different? who do you think you are?

5:30 they didn’t shoot him because he was a spy but because of his constant punning

6:22 did anyone think for a moment bond actually died there. if you did then i have this nice jacket that locks in the back for you

7:07 I’ll be honest I’m not a fan of this bond films opening titles. i think it’s all the geisha hair

8:23 I also think the main song should be more up beat for bond films. I don’t like any of the slow songs that have come over the years.

9:00 we got it it’s a ship yard you don’t have to have every single ship blast it’s horn

10:08 couldn’t you guys just forge some papers and plant some stories saying bond was dead. this feels unnecassarly elaborate.

11:01 sir i’m sorry but i believe i just stabbed him in the chest. I knew i should have used a smaller knife.

11:57 don’t have a money penny scene unless you actually want to say something. her character is way underused throughout the entire franchise.

13:11 no one said to burn it you asshole!

14:22 LOL I’M SMART!!

14:47 so we’re just killing bond again. that’s cool i guess.

15:33 in case you didn’t know we’re in japan. you know with all the asian people and horrible stereotypes.

16:18 it’s the asian stooge Curly

16:40 in case you didn’t know we were in japan here are some sumo wrestlers. in case you didn’t know. we’re helpful

17:19 Bond is confused at to what is going on

18:12 bond you have laid more woman than god. why the fuck can’t you talk to a girl that is obviously here for you

19:10 fucking racist music letting us know we are in japan. FUCKING STOP IT! i KNOW WE ARE IN JAPAN!

20:08 Mr. Henderson sounds like a pimp.

20:58 you know that would have been some information that the audience could have actually used.

22:40 BOND SMASH!!

23:30 bond you where two feet taller than that dude. something tells me that dressing up as him isn’t going to work.

24:28 this is the dumbest henchmen ever.

25:25 this is a really cool office. could you guys move over there. you’re blocking my view.

25:51 yes stuff him in the liquor cabinet. nobody will find him there.

26:35 it’s nice that bond is able to fit every gadget he could ever need up his own ass and pull out at a moments notice.

28:07 you know bond that if you fake your death you should keep a low profile and not shot up a office building

28:42 if you’re a spy and you’re a woman never EVER wear high heels.

29;29 why in the bond universe do people have secret slides directly into their office.

31:11 why does this guy live in a bunker. and how the fuck did he get a privete fucking train

32:00 bond you’re suck a smart ass. just drink the fucking sake.

32:53 dude he can hear bond ask about the photo you don’t have to yell orders like that

33:23 and when he means possessions he means sex slaves

33:48 how fucking sexist can you be? jesus fucking christ.

34:23 this is getting ridicilous will one of these women slaughter both of them . they deserve it.

35:16 “She’s very sexiful.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!!!!!!!

35:47 i figured it out. all these woman are high as kites. they have no idea what’s going on.

36:50 three and half minutes early. the japanese take being on time a little to seriously.

38:23 “…and woman you most likely bang later.”

39:56 and when he means a healthy chest he means massive tits.

40:36 that’s kind of a rash dissicion.

41:59 I’m pretty sure bond it’s blitzed as well. he’s taking this whole chase very calmly.

42:30 realy that’s the plan. why not a couple of guys with guns to shoot them as they pass. but no we need a helicopter with a massive magnet on it and then dumb it in the ocean. you guys are assholes.

44:10 i hate code words for things. they don’t make sense and are suppose to be some kind of joke to the audience.

44:55 what is this the asian version of jets vs. sharks.

45:48 that’s actually kind of a cool shot.

47:10 finally a woman that will slap bond for his random sexism.

47:35 and evidently she’s a dentist

48:00 of course bond is just saying “why won’t you have sex with me?”

49:30 that was an expensive dress. and then of course he bangs her. FUCK YOU BOND!

50:10 it’s the bond version of charlie! WILDCARD BITCHES!!!

51:05 this movie is so random

53:00 why would anyone make a combat helicopter that small.

54:03 bond you officially look stupid.

55:41 HELICOPTER BATTLES!! cue bond music

56:33 the big problem here is that if these guys didn’t chase bond he would have never discovered the secret base. why didn’t they just let him pass?

57:22 i will say this is one of the better uses of the bond music even though this fight looks really stupid.

59:21 great more space penises

1:00:19 it’s a space penis eating a space penis i wonder of sean connery wrote this himself.

1:02:00 I give you one of the biggest sets ever made.

1:04:06 spectre is a little too well funded.

1:05:34 i feel like i’m watching the footage to a documentary

1:06:23 petting a cat like that tells me you have serious mental issues.

1:07:08 guys he just showed you the evil piranha pit. I would agree with him

1:07:58 they new bond was dead because his picture was in the paper. so why didn’t recognize his face?

1:09:58 i want to go to a ninja training school!

1:10:43 these guys make so much noise when they fight i think they all have to poop

1:11:40 one ninja is sneaky. 100 ninjas are not.

1:12:05 baby rocket? why not make a small gun

1:13:04 this is the most racist thing ever put to film.

1:13:30 nice japanese accent bond. i see you’re trying real hard on that one.

1:14:15 see this guy is sneaky. if there were a hundred of him i don’t think it would work very well seeing as there would be a hundred fucking ninjas everywhere. hey guys is that a bunch of ninjas over there? It can’t be there’s a hundred of them.

1:15:35 bond you lucky asshole. it’s like death is afraid of him or something.

1:16:33 does anyone for a second believe bond is asian?

1:17:24 there is something very wrong here. no one seems to care that chick died last night.

1:19:00 lol everyone is wearing traditional japanese footware except for bond so he’s shorter than everyone.

1:19:46 is this movie trying to be reverant to japanese culture or super racist. I can’t tell.

1:20:07 also did i mention how boring this movie is. everyone is just sitting around doing nothign.

1:20:34 “hey is that guy white?” “i think so” “why is he wearing makeup to look like us” “i don’t know, that’s super racist” “i know right” “we should kick his ass” “we’re totally going to kick his ass”

1:23:06 seriously how many scenes are we going to get of bond sleeping. it’s getting insane.

1:24:24 i feel like i’m watching national geographic

1:25:53 they can hold their breath for a very VERY long time.

1:26:28 this music is driving me nuts as well.

1:26:58 and now she bangs him. BASTERD!

1:29:56 this is going on forever. it’s actaully testing my patience. for the love of god will something happen that’s actually exciting.

1:30:35 i like how bond went ahead and stripped off his asian make up.

1:31:30 Spider-Bond Spider-Bond does whatever a spider-Bond can do. (aka fucking everything that moves.)

1:32:59 do i really need to see the interworkings of every single space launch in this film.

1:34:35 where did these guys come from? the henchmen closet?

1:37:12 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BLOW SOMETHING UP!!!!!

1:37:57 “shit someone noticed i’m a foot taller than everyone here.”

1:38:39 what would cause a scar like that?

1:39:22 see blofield was doing all of this just so he could see bond naked.

1:39:57 if this is considered intense then NASA should get thier own tv show called “Inaction Action”

1:40:50 I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE VENTALATOR FANS!!!

1:41:21 even the rocket launch was boring.

1:41:53 I don’t care their shitting ninjas at least their ninjas.

1:42:44 i think there should be a better name for the “exploder button”

1:43:16 that cat hates his life.

1:44:00 worst ninjas ever their just standing there getting shot.

1:44:55 i know there is a battle going on but it’s just a punch of shots of dudes shooting guns at each other. It’s not fun at all. ok strike that that was a lot of dudes repelling down into the crater that was kind of cool.

1:47:00 that cat IS NOT HAPPY!

1:47:58 he had a chance to kill bond but didn’t even try.

1:49:03 that’s it. big battles in bond films suck. it should always be personal with bond and he’s taking on everyone. this shit is ridicilous.

1:50:53 SPACE PENIS! IN SPACE!

1:52:05 Blofeld! on the move!

1:53:30 so the movie is over then? please tell me it’s over.

1:55:02 that’s all folks. and that sucked. I’m out.

"Thunderball" Live Blog!

Sorry I didn’t give a warning post here but it’s that time again. Honestly if you’re reading this for the first time here you can go over to Screened.com where I update regularly and give all the warning shout outs.

Out of all the Connery Bond films this is the least entertaining one to me. That’s not a judgement of quality it just finds the balance between superspy film and “what the fuck am i watching” that in the end isn’t very interesting. And if memory serves it also started some of the worst trends in the Bond franchise.

00:25 ok the new barrel shot is much better. but going down on one knew is still kind of weird

1:31 even at fucking funerals bond can’t help but try and get laid.

2:33 Bond just smacking bitches all over the place.

2:48 this is totally just an observation but if you’re cross dressing and you have a low cut blouse on maybe you should shave you chest.

3:44 why did he throw the flowers

4:04 up up and away

4:24 still feels like a clumsy get away that back pack was huge.

4:52 how does one exactly “strike like a thunderball” do you roll up some lightinging, is it a just a bowling term, or perhaps thunderballs are the nickname bond gave his own testicles and blugeon people to death with them

6:21 I will say hurray for the classic opening sequences. it only took four movies to get there. better get used to them.

7:08 also all of these woman are completely naked. it’s amazing what they got away with.

7:52 see i know were are in paris because the goddman eiffel tower is in the shot.

8:15 i’m totally loving this dudes eyepatch he is rocking it.

8:52 TECHNOLOGY OF THE FUTURE: HIDDEN DOORS!

9:10 this is the worst conferance room ever. you can’t see the boss, the microphones are oddly positioned, the table is no where near useful, and each chair turns into a slide that goes to the furnance

10:47 sorry their filled with electricty and drops the body into the trash

11:24 what a jackass he’s walking on the table. that’s not cool at all.

11:55 you know it’s a secret tattoo than why put it on the top of your wrist, just asking for trouble

12:36 worthless bond fact #45 Bond is into spanking

13:38 he’s not actually hurt he’s just cosplaying the invisible man

14:08 say this in your best connery voice “I fucking love grapes”

14:41 this is super kinky. next step leather

14:55 a chick that doens’t like bond. I was beginning to think those didn’t exist

15:30 and now she’s strapping him down. do with that as you may

15:55 i feel like this is a late night as seen on tv commercial

16:29 straight from Helga’s house of pain work out videos. only there will you find excersizing machines that force you to be completely strapped in

17:18 she fucking hated him five minutes ago and now she’s fucking him. i almost had hope for her

18:06 what kind of spa is this. all their machines are death traps. with a single broom bond trapped a dude in a dehyrdrator

18:48 My god red head. her tits should get thier own billing

20:05 what a horrible gas gun. it just gasses everyone in the room

20:24 Evil Q scene. fucking awesome

20:43 he really needed the money to go through all of that. and not even for a quarter of a million.

21:43 the invisible man costume was really popular in ‘65

22:19 slick cut for the time period

23:44 he has to be joking. any human with a penis would not leave a naked chick in bed like that. it’s an insult to all men

24:33 I’m really diggin the xylophone sneaking around music here

24:59 I like to think there is someone just off screen playing it

25:21 don’e do it Bond he’ll turn invisible and run away and then you’ve got an invisible madman running around

26:06 Bond you ass. How nonchalant are you going to play this? “I don’t know” my ass

26:52 His mother made him that sandwich

27:56 so they made him go to acting lessons, read files, learn how to fly a plane, get plastic surgery all for twenty minutes?

29:00 “what the flap dawson” i’ve never heard a british person say flap in that context.

30:20 the underwater landing lights looks like asteroids on the atari

31:20 wow he’s just poured into that wetsuit

32:10 dude he was going to soffocate anyway. just cutting his line was a dick move

33:00 oh look their going to play underwater bumper cars

33:41 “Handle like eggs” THIS IS A FUCKING NUCLEAR WEAPONS, who labels a nuclear weapon with “handle like eggs” if i break an egg i get some papertowels, if i break a nuclear bomb i’m vaporized. there’s a slight difference.

35:14 it’s the mermaid addition of the seven dwarfs. hi ho, hi ho, it’s bubbles to work we go

37:17 and now she’s begging him to stay around. it’s sad that we’ll have to wait for decades for an actual strong female lead in these films.

38:10 there is something wrong with your engine. it’s sound like a raccoon in a dryer

38:44 was it necassary to dumb the motorcycle. it’s not like you couldn’t have stored it somewhere

39:27 AAAAAAAKAWARD

40:15 lol inflation. 100 mil lbs is pocket change today

41:16 africa was drawn by a kindergardern on that map

42:30 when he says watersports he means sex. and when he means sex when saying watersports he’s talking about vagina’s

44:05 James Bond: Sex Detective

44:29 Ma’am do you have a liscnese for that turtle?

46:20 tumblr went down but now i’m back

47:20 underboob is hot

47:43 “have some of my chowder” you’re slipping Bond

48:48 “Wait until you get to my teeth?” i thought we had a safe word for that Bond. Mississippi! MISSISSIPPI!

49:39 i think this is the first time we’ve seen Bond gamble since Dr. NO. interesting

50:18 Granny with the sunglass. she’s a superspy too. ugh the image of her fucking hundreds and hundreds of young men just went through my brain

51:28 it’s odd that in Bond films gambling is an actual skill and not luck.

52:57 the only downside to dancing with Bond(he is a great dancer) is the raging boner he gets the entire fucking time.

54:14 I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT!

54:38 the cut back to the receptionist was to do nothing but establish she wants to fuck him . there was literally no other reason to do that

55:25 sweet the xylophone player is back. i like to think he waits in bond’s room and when he enters begans to play. It’s good pay and the insurance is amazing

56:38 “I just wanted to let you know I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT!”

57:00 the water heater in this place is amazing

57:45 the third felix we’ve gotten in four movies.

58:31 BITCH SLAP

59;13 and when Bond says assistant he means blowjob dispenser.

59:49 Q is already a joke. awesome and i’m digging the shirt

1:01:27 and when Q says swallow it he means stick up your ass you fuck twat

1:02:19 everyone put your serious faces on. it’s serious time

1:02:50 bond is just showing off his junk now. he might as well go pantless at all times.

1:03:40 underwater bond theme GO!

1:04:20 Welcome to a very special wrestlemania where everyone will be fighting underwater this year

1:06:10 because there is no way bond lived. we found his mask so he can’t be alive. oh and lets not look for a body

1:07:16 and when she says use you safety belt she means I fuck like a bunny

1:09:17 fat helicopter. all the kids make fun of him at school

1:11:02 say in Connery’s voice “I fucking love sharks. Get closer I want to see which one’s are male and female.”

1:12:11 i don’t think it’s proper edicate to take someone’;s gun out of their hand.

1:12:50 and when he says what do you do Vargas he’s saying Vargas WEARS HIS SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT!

1:13:48 i know sharks but i have never heard of that species and those look like baby bull sharks.

1:15:08 SURPRISE!

1:15:25 oh god what happened to the pope!

1:17:07 the lights went out you half blind moron

1:18:25 all bond could think was that he forgotten were he had put the reciept for his blowjob dispenser

1:20:02 why is the henchmen still fighting it’s obvouse they left him to die

1:20:49 Yeah those are Baby Bull Sharks

1:22:00 at this point bond shouldn’t even question the fact that some woman’s clothes are just randomly in his hotel room

1:23:19 all the men in the world haven’t gotten as many free fucks as james Bond has in this last four movies.

1:23:58 and when she says safe she means I just orgasmed

1:25:39 finally an actually evil female character. this franchise needs more of those. and one’s that don’t sleep with Bond

1:26:54 was that superman with a huge box on his head?

1:27:50 the guys with the dice on their head remind me of the warriors. the other gangs don’t like to talk about the Dice Gang

1:28:38 James Bond Hide and Seek Champion 1965

1:30:00 “I want you to know that I’m really enjoying hunting Bond with you right now. This is a real special moment for me, i want yo to know that.”

1:31:09 I would make a parkinson’s joke here but they’ve all been made already

1:31:50 and when Bond says she’d dead he means, oh wait he actually means that

1:34:14 you don’t shot the sharks that just makes them go into a feeding frenzy. lol 60’s ignorance.

1:35:39 Who likes short shorts? James “look at my balls” Bond

1:37:24 I wonder if they call her domino because her entire wardrobe is in black and white

1:37:45 Oh come on Bond you didn’t even have to say anything you just find woman underwater and start banging them

1:38:48 This chick can’t act. and she’s in a bond film. that’s saying something

1:40:27 why do you say this to me when you know i will kill you for it

1:42:14 look at them all excited to go on henchman camp. the smores are delicious

1:42:54 No Bond you were suppose to stick it up your ass. weren’t you paying attention

1:43:45 “That’s a question” And this is a statement. congratulations you recognized a sentence.

1:46:59 “Remember guys to handle like eggs”

1:47:48 If memory serves the rest of this film pretty much takes place underwater

1:48:10 sorry sir we’re closed. Swim back some other time

1:49:45 I’m pretty sure she already realized she was caught. no reason to rub it in.

1:50:38 and when he means much pleasure he means all of their sessions when she would tie him up and kick him in the balls until he yells the safety word

1:52;40 and now Bond knows what it’s like being a penis. being shoved in a dark moist hole can’t be that much fun

1:54:35 oh fuck it’s on. Scuba Battle

1:55:06 SCUBA BATTLE!

1:55:37 and then they move slowly at each other.

1:56:32 SCUBA BATTLE! with scuba battle music

1:57:27 what is back Bond’s a fucking Transformer. Scuba in disgise.

1:59:08 ugh more Connery crotch shots. It’s bad enough i’m watching a scuba battle.

1:59:45 imagine this from that lobster point of view. “What the fuck is going on man. What is this? some kind of….scuba…..battle?”

2:00:50 we get it already, fucking scuba battle.

2:01:50 Lol scuba battle battlefield after the scuba battle. Floating bodies everywhere

2:02:47 Liscense and registration. So son do you know how many knots you were going?

2:03:55 dude you’re just giving them a bigger target

2:04:40 i really want to know how much these guys are getting paid. “So we want you to fire these high powered guns at the military.”

2:05:33 Nipple slip

2:06:29 One kidney shot is enough Bond you don’t have to keep slamming the door on them as well

2:07:26 INCEPTION!! BRAAAAAAMMMMMM!!

2:09:09 and now the dark knight. Nolan must have seen this movie.

That’s it folks. I don’t know when I’ll get to watch You ONly Live Twice but it will be tomorrow and I’ll give a heads up about an hour or two before.

"Goldfinger" Live Blog!

Here it is the grandfather of Bond films. The film that truly started it all, it refined the formula and put Bond on the social sub conscience forever. I’m moving up the schedule though to 7:30 since I have to work in the morning.

00:42 “hey steve you hear anything.” “nope do you” “nope is that james bond?” “maybe” “oh well”

1:15 why a duck? why anything? you were already underwater

1:57 it’s this sequence that really identifies bond as a superspy. blowing shit up and sneaking around.

2:37 and the hidden tux helps

3:37 ok that’s three movies naked woman are just waiting in bond’s room. does he buy them in bulk?

4:31 these floors make it sound like godzilla is in a fist fight

4:57 that is one thing that is missing from connery’s bond. he’d rather quip than actually feel remorse that is why Craig’s bond feels so fresh

5:38 I genuiely like the theme song and the projections on the female bodies actually work here

6:31 the only problem is that the images being projected actually spoil the film

7:25 does that mean goldfinger has to have a bar of gold every time he gets off. or is he actually married to gold.that would be an interesting marraige liscense.

8:39 “hey mom. MOM! watch me dive. WATCH ME!”

9:18 connery has the hairest legs in the universe. he’s the male version of rapunzel.

10:33 makes me sad they replaced the actor who plays felix

11:03 goldfinger looks constibapated not by the pool man

12:08 i love that bond’s first instinct is too immediately fuck with goldfinger. ontop of that is bond so charismatic that when entering woman’s hotel rooms they immediately don’t mind him being there

13:32 these are some amazing binoclars. they can see anywhere!

14:20 and bond gets laid. not even fifteen minutes in and even less time with the girl. he’s a goddamn superhero!

15:25 “and felix remember, you’re the man now dog!”

16:04 Bond look out! it’s an evil floating hand!

18:18 it’s nice to see Bond pissed off. of course it’s over a girl that he only new for five minutes but at least he’s human

18:50 do all the double O agents just get hand me down assignments?

20:27 “we also know when each of our bank presidents take a piss. irralvent but a bloody good time”

22:10 i like to think that all meetings in britian take place in giant halls at huge tables and everyone wears suits.

23:09 so begins the legacy of the Q seens. the dynamic between gadget maker and gadget user is always fun to watch

24:07 i like how the radar is just two guys rolling a map across the view screen

24:52 “and since i know you so well bond here is the condom dispenser”

26:10 if he’s not a good caddy why keep using him? the lovely conversation?

28:27 marco…..polo…….marco……

28:57 “ah, ah” what language is this?

29:32 Bond just keeps fucking with him. I would want to cut off his balls with a laser too.

31:17 Three movies. Three fucking movies and Bond has been nothing but a dick to everyone he meets. I’m beginning to think on why I even like him.

32:35 who thought up deadly boomerang hat? I want to shake his hand

33:15 see the crushing of an object is a metaphor for his damage phyic it’s actually sad really

35:28 bond sees one chick and completely loses focus.

36:20 hey kids play on the cliff it’s not dangerous. I’m sure you’re bounce right back up.

37:40 Dude why would you do that to someone’s car? what did they do to you

38:13 A DEFECT! defect’s don’t rip the metal off of your car. one of the people in this scene is dangerously stupid

39:38 Q so put that sound effect on the radar just to drive Bond crazy

40:42 i guess bond forgot his hiking gear

41:02 and then he suddenly has sneaking gear. bond is used to hiding thing sin his ass

41:40 right now he’s telling his body the Aristocrats

42:13 the engine in that car must be insane in order to carry that weight

42:35 Operation Grand Slam, lol. when ever i have a project it’s going to be called that now

43:27 that is the smallest calliber sniper rifle ever made.

22:17 all of goldfingers henchmen are asian. there must have been an asian henchmen union in the sixties.

45:00 it’s a clown car but instead of clowns it’s similiarly dressed asian men. in retrospect not as funny.

46:28 stop shooting the obvious shield and just shoot the man off to the side.

46:50 good job bond now you’ve gotten a pair of sisters killed.

47:16 does anyone actually understand oddjob or do they just feel bad and guess what he wants?

48:10 granny gatekeeper is the greatest henchman of all time. she will fuck you shit up.

48:45 Asain man bowling. Bond only got a spare

49:14 Go asain clown car Go

49:50 good thing bond drove into the foam house and not a real one.

50:34 Greatest elaborate death trap ever.

51:20 i don’t think goldfinger is taking in the fact of the mess this would leave all over his floor

52:22 and that’s why Goldfinger is one of the best villians ever. he only cares about his objectives.

53:38 at least castrate Bond it will slow him down a little

54:25 galor is a great character but not very hot. has a kate mulgrew thing going on

55:35 he was thinking of sex. in case you didn’t get it

56:36 that’s a toy plane. i think the wires give it away

57:32 to this day i don’t understand why this scene is here. so she’s spying on him in the bathroom. unless she has a pissing fetish no one gives a shit.

58:30 oh right the bug. but that’s it. the rest of the scene is still pointless

59:24 Bond your a jackass, she knows the gun would be a stupid thing to do

1:00:24 a flying circus. to bad they had that tragic clown accident a year back. more people might have shown up

1:01:15 at this point i could find one of these asaian henchmen outfits for a halloween costume

1:02:20 and then pussy galor is chopped up in the propellar by one of her students.

1:02:50 why isn’t it that whenever there is a group of women working together in these movies they all seem like a lesbian sex club

1:03:55 “I really hate that asshole”

1:04:22 sorry bond there is no man sized air vent to sneak through this time

1:05:19 so mobsters are fucking children. good to know. I’ll bring candy next time

1:06:00 you know what’s better than a million dollars. Ten million dollars

1:07:37 someone had to build this room. how cool is that

1:08:40 what’s really going through the henchmen’s head is how damn sexy bond is.

1:09:19 dude it’s not like bond is chris angel. he’s still in the room there is no reason to go looking for him.

1:10:40 this model must exist somewhere in a studio back lot.

1:11:20 the voice actor for Goldfinger was amazing. that’s right folks the actor didn’t speak a word of english

1:12:07 so dynamite beats electric fence. i see a new version of rock paper scissors coming on here

1:13:27 he actually enjoyed saying that. i have a feeling everyone was getting a good laugh saying pussy in an internationally released film

1:14:20 if you were going to kill them than why explain the master plan. not just explain the master plan but lie to them about it. bond villians just need an audience some times. it’s not like bond actually cares.

1:15:47 i wish oddjob was in every frame of the movie. just in the background looking longingly into the camera

1:16:30 i’ve always been curious why older films used rear projection for the most mundane parts in films when they were obviously on set.

1:17:17 Blind no, deaf yes. so complaining about it won’t really get you anywhere

1:18:58 don’t crush it with the body inside. it’ll just getting all gooey and leak out the sides.

1:20:50 goldfinger fucking loves the name Operation Grand Slam. He’s said it like five times now

1:21:42 he just asked her to have sex with bond. my god these movies had problems.

1:22:00 isn’t this a little over kill guys. I hope your getting overtime for this

1:23:01 i just don’t buy bond as a brilliant mathematic. he’s never been that smart.

1:23:56 and yet Goldfinger tells Bond the truth. classic villian

1:25:12 “What did you do oddjob? now we have to clean out the entire trunk. there’s blood everywhere.”

1:26:44 just have sex. the play fighting is just redundant

1:27:35 so Bond is raping her now. and she then likes it. and people say the movies have bad role models.

1:28:15 Operation rock a bye baby? does goldfinger have all these written down. i bet he comes up with them on the toilet.

1:29:09 i’m pretty sure fort knox is restriced airspace. fighters would be all over their ass already

1:29”52 oh it’s rock a bye baby because it puts them to sleep. i get it. do you? DO YOU?

1:30:20 and this is why i think these women are men haters. they’re enjoying putting all these soldiers to death

1:31:23 IT’S A CONVOY! GET YOUR CB RADIO’S OUT THIS IS GOING TO BE A HELLAVUA GOOD TIME!

1:32:55 their so cute in their matching outfits and hats.

1:34:00 it’s laser time. they ain’t got shit on moonraker though

1:35:25 oddjob is confused and curious about the flying machine. is it magic? Oddjob don’t know

1:37:20 goldfinger wants to shower in gold bricks. He wants them so bad. i can’t imagine the bruises though

1:38:32 how would you know to prepare for that unless you knew something like this would happen.

1:39:53 go oddjob go and you’re a crappy shot

1:40:09 that’s the only bad part of the hat you have to go fetch it everytime.

1:40:47 my god what is this man made of. diamonds? cast iron?

1:41:33 you see he’s actually just toying with Bond. he’s getting a good laugh out of all of this.

1:42:38 oh, he’s made of fireworks. hence all the sparks.

1:44:15 bond is a brilliant improvisor, staragatist, mathmatician, and can charm the panties off a nun but he can’t find the right wire to pull

1:45:10 “blew a fuse” because he’s dead. get it? GET IT!

1:46:00 and this is the story of how Bond saved America forever

1:46:23 “this won’t do for my puppet show at all!”

1:47:20 and goldfinger gets flushed out a window. there isn’t really anything i can say about that

1:47:55 when the pilot says your dead. you’re probably dead. you can stop trying now.

1:48:35 “this is the time for fucking.” yeah read that in Connerys voice and tell me that’s not funny.

and that’s Goldfinger. I’ll be back at 7:30 tommorrow. This was fun and i forgot how much better paced this film was.